Test Drive

We've been looking for a new apartment as our current one still smells like rotten previous-tenant food. There are other problems as well, such as the squirrel infestation (Mama squirrel cleans her fur on our balcony, they hiss when they scrabble for supremacy of the ceiling crawlspace) or the mysterious drippy substance that adorns each door frame, like a sticky-syrup Passover joke.

A. talks man-to-man with the landlords, as they are usually men, and I look for things to nitpick, like the half-full bucket sitting under the crack in the bedroom ceiling, or the fact that we have to beat the porch windows, flat palmed, to make them open.

"How close are we to the busline?" I ask. Landlord Beaky stares at me.
"You're close enough to walk to ____ campus," he says. "Why - I don't get it - why would you need to ride the bus? You can just walk through the park."
"Um. At night? No." I doubt if he's ever heard of a certain memoir related to the area, but that doesn't really matter. This has just been an exercise to get my gut going with nerves.
"Do you mind if I use the toilet?"
Landlord Beaky chuckles and gestures to the bathroom.

I have tried out four toilets so far. It's easier if I actually have something to do, because largely people seem to hide their bathroom reading material from potential tenants (unless it's a Gaiman poster story, of course) and sometimes the landlord doesn't like to stray far from the door. So it's best to sound realistic. I acclimate myself. I practice reaching to the sink. I waste a lot of tp.

One guy was hesitant. "I don't know. You really have to go?"
A. shot me a look. He may know and understand, but he also knows and understands.
"I think it may be an emergency," I confessed. "Sorry."

Atop the tank, next to a purple candle, sat a rumpled paperback copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

We have an appointment to sign the lease tomorrow.

It doesn't get any better than this, folks!

Don't touch my lesions, please.

This looks so great. I want to fly to Orlando.

A proliferation of boobs

Completely off-topic.

What the hell?

I should love this. Anne Boleyn looks all saucy. Maybe it's Jonathan Rhys-Meyers...he looks too pale and inbred (an actual plus, eh?) to be robust ruddy (not to mention chunky) Harry. For a minute I confused Margaret with Mary and wondered why she was so Hawt?

Since we don't have cable, I shouldn't care...

It was not this sharp, ever.

Continued from a previous discussion of Incredibly Awkward Remedies for Crazed Bowel, I bring you one and all, the Rowasa Enema!

If I could play introductory music on here, it'd have to be the Star Trek fight music. You know, the da-da-DA!DA!DA! (etc) tune they trotted out every time Bill Shatner needed to trip somebody, or rip his shirt. (By the way, this is just killing me today.) Ah, Star Trek.
Sadly, I do not have photographic evidence of the RE, so the above montage will have to suffice. The RE has been my companion on a few adventures. I particularly recall some contortions in a bachelor pad bathroom, on a floor wet from showers, my face inches from suspiciously curly hairs...but enough romance, let's get back to basics.

The first time I filled an RE prescription, my CNP made sure I had plenty: I walked out of Walgreens lugging two shopping bags loaded with boxes. I got home and ate some mashed potatoes, sat on the toilet a while and read The Corrections to get myself in the mood for later. I ignored the boxes, which was easy as I'd hidden them in the closet in the bin with scarves and hats. A. would never think to look there in August, I chortled to myself. A. came home, we watched a movie, he ate some pizza, I ate some applesauce, and we went to bed. I waited until I felt him twitch a few times, and then I slipped out to the living room.

"Put a towel on the floor the first time you do this," my CNP had said. "It can stain."
Feeling virginal, I spread a nice red towel on the carpet, dragged out the boxes and slit open the foil packaging. It felt like opening a science project, or maybe some freeze-dried spices.

The bottles were small with little caps. I spread the instructions out and tried to position myself in the least vulnerable way the manufacturers suggested. I gritted my teeth, hiked up my nightgown (oh devious!) and inserted.

"What are you doing?" A. asked.

It may have been obvious.

Cataloging woes

The blog will be on temporary hiatus (read: through Wednesday) as I scramble to finish the Peppery Bitesoffmorethanshecanchew Cataloging Side Project by Wednesday. If only Sunday had not been lost to the mists! If only I didn't have a real job! If only...wait, the U.C. has been surprisingly quiet. This means something...but what?
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