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Showing posts with label batman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label batman. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Into the Stacks, or Deposed Heroines can be found under PN6728.B38

Continued from Stop the Presses! Caped Crusader Consoles Colitis Crybaby! and Holy Processed Glop, Batman!



Two minutes into the adventure, I'd lost the pristine white card Batman gave me before he flew off to do whatever he did in a small Heartland college town. Judging by the compared statistics of the town in question with others in the state, he probably trolled dorm parties and confiscated an avalanche of roofies. I dug in my purse and lurched against the man next to me as the bus thundered over a pothole.

*
The visit to the Comic Book Guru was less helpful than I'd hoped. After five minutes of conversation about weather, my shaky intestines, my questionable access to prescription painkillers, I asked him some questions.

"This is the only reason you wanted to meet up? Because you can't figure out what this means?" He rolled his eyes and tossed the card on his coffee table. "Obvious. It's all so clear to me now."

"I didn't expect you to believe me," I began.

"It is difficult to believe that Batman, although generally altruistic, would show up to help you out with your...thing." He waved in the direction of my abdomen. "Unless you were causing some sort of public disturbance?"

"Crying and eating, even combined, are not crimes," I said.

"Well. He must've just been in the area, then. Anyway, it's obvious to me what this card means." He tilted the card, and the light caught in the oily black O. "Note the contrast of black, to white. And the slimy oily look. This card obviously has something to do with ... Venom."

"Venom? How do you get Venom from that? It's an O. It wasn't even there at first."

"Strange. It doesn't make much sense, a DC character pimping for a Marvel villan...what do you mean, it wasn't there at first? What happened?"

I shuffled my feet. "I, uh, cried on it."

"Maybe if you cry on it some more, the rest of his name will show up. Strange, strange...I guess you could always go to the address listed on the back."

"What?" I snatched the card. Printed in the same oily black was an innocuous address on Memorial Drive. "That wasn't there before."

The Guru turned back to the television. "Have fun. Yell for Batman if it's a trap, okay?"
*

I finally unearthed the crumpled card from under a bag of jelly beans. Memorial Drive had a lot of buildings to choose from, and I'd never been an avid comic book fan - I relied on the Guru for that sort of information. I had an O and an address and the recommendation of a man in a batsuit similar to Batman's. I had no idea why. Granted, I'd been feeling a bit lost, even with the A.-centered plans for joyous cohabitation, because for the first time school would not be in session in the fall, for me. Creative Writing majors probably did not have much marketability without changing their resumes to say "English." My job prospects were non-existent as yet. But I couldn't worry about that until I moved upstate.

The address from the card suddenly flashed by the bus window, in chunky white numerals. I yanked the cord and ran back the block to stare up at the building.

Storm County Public Library.

The windows were dark. The only light came from a tiny green bead by the door handle - a security system handled by a combination of keys and cards. I stared at myself in the reflective glass, shivering despite the warm May evening, and then I tried the handle. The thick chain and bar rattled inside.

"Hmph." Batman hadn't said anything about calling during regular library hours. Maybe that was implied? I'd worked in a library all through undergrad, and I wasn't sure that librarians required etiquette as a rule.

But the point was moot - I'd have to come back tomorrow. The bus would come by in another hour, and the grocery store across the street specialized in watery coffee and hot, buttery croissants. I turned around.

A harsh crumbling sound stopped me. I turned to see the sidewalk in front of the book drop shook in its footprint and began, with tortured concrete scrapings, to lower at an angle into the earth. A steep, roughly-constructed ramp descended into blackness. This was much more interesting (and worse) than a random crackhouse address, I thought.

My gut growled, and I tried to relax. Hope that wherever this leads, there's a toilet. I stepped, my shoes sliding, into the darkness.




To be continued.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Stop the Presses! Caped Crusader Consoles Colitis Crybaby!

Continued from Holy Processed Glop, Batman!


By day 5 of the Bland and Low Residue Diets - which seemed, in my opinion, to have entirely too much overlap - I was ready to throw the proverbial towel in the overflowing can.

It was the end of my final undergraduate semester. In Conversational Spanish my tummy rumblings sometimes drowned out the professor. My roommates and I ate as much macaroni and ramen as possible. I did not sign up to walk for graduation. A. and I planned our joyous communal living arrangements in Paradise, Minnesota.

Stress? Oh, yes.

When the Winged Vigilante knocked on my door, I was trying to eat a bowl of applesauce, (my third that day) tears running down my nose and mixing with the mush. Stop crying, I ordered. The added salt can't be good for the colon, can it? Apparently, when I was diagnosed with UC my tears ducts mutated into big crybaby canals.

Through the haze of emotion and lacy curtains on the door's window, I glimpsed the shadowy spikes of bat-ears. The rapping increased in volume substantially.

"Can you get that?" my roommate called from the bathroom. "He was rattling the window here, but I locked it. Pervy bat."

I pushed the applesauce to one side, stood and opened the door. He filled the kitchen with shadows, and I reminded myself to check the wattage in the bulb over the sink.

"Good evening," he said, in a low voice neither affectedly raspy nor booming with flamboyance.

"What's good about it?" I sobbed.

He cocked his head and put a ear through the recently patched drywall in the corridor. There was a screaming burst of static, and the Bat clapped a hand to his head. The static cut out. I had a strong suspicion that some expensive piece of equipment had just perished.

"Anyway," he said.

"I said what's good about it."

"Oh. Right. Well. You're looking...whole. No stabbings. No robberies or rapes - er. That's attempted
robberies or rapes."

"What about a feeling like someone's twisting a knife in my guts?"

"I don't cover dementia, lady."

I picked up the applesauce bowl and threw it at him, hoping he'd batarang it or something. Instead it missed him handily and slammed another dent in the drywall.

"So what do I have to do," I asked, "show you my colonoscopy video?"

"No. Just take this."

A white square of card stock fluttered out of the blackness of his cloak and into his gauntlet. He thrust it into my hands, and then opened the door. I turned the card over. It was blank.

"Wait!"

He paused on the front stoop, his hands full of black cable that stretched straight up into the darkening sky - somewhere, connected to something.

"Are you really Batman?"

He grimaced. "In Minnesota? Are you kidding?"

He flew into the night.

The cape whacked me in the nose as he took off.

Sniffling, I went back inside, blocking out my roommate's howls as her feet found the applesauce. Why would Batman give me a blank card? Was I supposed to take it as some sort of stupid business psychology American-dream lecture where I fill the card with my own super self-confident credentials? A big tear splooged off my sore nose and plopped on the card.

Crawling black strands grew out of the wetness. They twined into the shape of an O.

O. Must be a Batman thing. Time to call the Comic Book Guru.

Or maybe Batman just thought I should follow the bland diet and eat some wagon wheels. I went and boiled some pasta.

....


To be continued?