“It’s essentially a bag full of (excretion).”

Crohn’s disease sufferer from Halifax brought to tears by Calgary airport security

While passing through a security checkpoint shortly after 9 a.m. Monday, Maher set a metal detector off because she had accidentally left her watch on.

But she said the airport screening staff immediately pointed to a bag on her hip, claiming it was full of money.

Not to make light of the situation, because

A) what a bunch of assholes, and
B) Even worse to learn that apparently airport security is shitty all over, and
C) I can identify with the helplessness this gal obviously felt, and it sucks.

But if I ever have a colostomy (and yeah, it's probably somewhere in my future) I sure hope I get one of those money-excreting ones.

"I even know poor people who have computers."

Seen all over:

Why would we pay for libraries no one needs?

A letter to the editor in a small city newspaper (well, a small city sort of near Seattle, so I guess that's a...distinction) makes the Internet explode! This is one of my favorite things, the Internet exploding, and I mean that sincerely, because I love the righteous solidarity that bursts forth with it. Screw you, dude! You're so wrong on almost all counts (most of which are addressed in the comments, read those for a nice fruity palate cleansing) that it's gut-bustable. There's only one I feel really compelled to address due to my current job, and it's this:

You can also read most books online at college and university websites.

Who told you that nonsense? No doubt someone who knows the ins and outs of college ebook availability. It must be someone who helps catalog the college ebooks, someone who makes sure that each ebook record's link to the ebook itself has a proxy prefix, which is something that ensures only college students, staff and faculty may access the ebook (and all others) with their personal login information. Was it that person? Oh. No, wait, that's me, and I don't know you, sir. Thank god.

Pull your head out of your privilege-sparkled fairyland, go to your library, and read a library book. Maybe you could even borrow a DVD - for free! But I shouldn't get your hopes up. The DVD's probably all scratched, and the book probably has offensive words or ideas between the covers. You're better off staying home.

Angry sick person is angry

Right now I have serious beef with the Democrats in our Congress. Collectively they have no spine, and they don't react (defensively, quickly, or sometimes even at all) to ridiculous charges leveled at them by Congressional Republicans, wannabes like Christine O'Donnell or rabid ultra-conservative pundits. Some of them are guilty of disgusting corruption and ass-covering and self-serving shit, just like some Republicans. Some of them make me doubt their sanity. And their lack of support for their decisions and their president, whether or not they agree with him or vote in favor of his/other Dem's bills, is pathetic.

In short, Act II of "This Party Sucks" on This American Life really hits home for me.

BE ALL THIS AS IT MAY.

This quote from today's NY Times infuriated me.

“I believe that the health care bill that was enacted by the current Congress will kill jobs in America, ruin the best health-care system in the world and bankrupt our country,” Mr. Boehner said at his news conference. “That means that we have to do everything we can to try to repeal this bill, and replace it with common-sense reforms that will bring down the cost of health insurance.”

What, couldn't stuff a "crammed down our throat" anywhere in there, John? Ah well, there's always the next speech. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Anyway. The only way one could think we have the best healthcare system in the world would if they were:

A) LOADED
or
B) HEALTHY

Or both. That's good, too. B might be the end result of a good healthcare system, but it's not the starting point. Screw you, J.B. Explain why I've got $1000.00+ in ER bills from my flareup in September, when I work full time and I've got health insurance? That's the best system in the world? And I have a job. What about the folks who don't, or who have crappy health insurance or "pre-existing conditions?"*
Just say, fuck 'em? Let them suffer? Let them figure it and pull themselves up by their bootstraps even if they can't leave the house, or the goddamn bathroom? It's time to understand that we need provisions to take care of everyone regardless of who they are or how much money they have (and yes, despite the inevitable abusers of the system, because every system has abuse; hey, create some jobs and hire some people as investigators, how's that?) because at some point or another, everyone needs help.

You make me sicker than I already am.




^{*Hell, man: being alive, breathing, possessing a human body that is inexorably aging toward death-by-something human body is a pre-existing condition.}

Sweets to the Sweet, or, How to gain back that thigh weight after your flareup, just like your favorite size 0 actress readying for a serious role!

Caramel Sauce
1 cup butter or margarine
2 1/4 cups brown sugar
dash salt
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup light corn syrup (yep, 1 cup. Try not to die)
1 cup sweetened condensed milk (which you can make, see below)

Melt butter with sugar and let cook on low for a bit, stirring. Add everything else and stir until cooked and combined. Don't let it boil, but you should get all the grains of sugar dissolved. It can get thick. Pour over apple slices or banana slices or vanilla ice cream. Don't think about your arteries or pertinent organs. Think meat on bones and sugar and oh-god-the-goodness-it-is-disgusting.

To make the milk and really know how gross this recipe is: combine 1 cup powdered milk, 1/3 cup boiling water, 2/3 cups granulated sugar and 3 T butter in a blender. The Suzy Homemaker version beats Eagle Brand in the can every time.

Come on, it's GOOD when your thighs touch. It's sexy!

Some tests, some answers, some mental/physical assistance?

I went to the doctor. Everything is fine. My heart is, if anything, a little slow. When the doc asked me how things had been lately, I told him I'd been a little stressed lately, (true) and my movements* had shown the effects of the stress (also true), and I'd also, oops, been forgetting to take all my medication (true, true, true). We talked about alternate medications for a while, and the overwhelming propensity of human beings to have problems adapting to required, daily handfuls of pills.

Then the doc asked me how THINGS had been lately. Apparently, lower-case "t" things meant crap, and heavily-emphasized "THINGS" meant are you having a nervous breakdown due to mental problems and chronic disease symptoms?

I fumbled and stuttered and somehow managed to perpetuate a multitude of miscommunication, to which my doctor's reaction was "She must have broken up with her boyfriend" and also "Oh, she's unable to pay my office-visit co-pay." (This happened because I had requested upon my arrival that the office bill me, something which is not done in private practices. This is also the first time I realized, shit, I'm seeing a private doctor.) He assured me it was taken care of, which turned out to mean HE had paid it.

After awkward discussions with my doctor and the office administrator, I was allowed to pay my co-pay, which I did immediately, all while feeling like an ungrateful yet ethical (and stupid) jerk.

I have never, ever had a doctor offer to pay my co-pay. The only possible reasons are one of the following:

1. I am incredibly pitiful/pitiable.
2. I am smoking hot.
3. They are watching my bank accounts.
4. Doc took his entire office out to Sicko and afterwards redid the budget system.
5. I can't communicate for a hill of beans.
6. All of the above.

I think my favorite is a combination of 2 and 4.


But embarrassment aside, apparently there's nothing physically wrong with me. I have a feeling the doc wants to send me to a shrink or his accountant.




*Using the word movements for my bathroom sojourns makes me feel like I'm part of a military battalion, or maybe a ninja squad.

Hey, Sheryl Crow!

From my cold, dead hands!

You should seriously rethink your stupid-ass statement.

Perhaps all that highlighting shit seeped through your skull and curdled up your brain. If you get your wish that all people should use one square of toilet paper (two or three in those emergency situations doesn't fucking cut it, not when an average UC emergency is a bucket load more than you may be used to), you better tack on a damn good alternative for those of us who don't poop like environmentalists aresupposedto.

I think that global warming is REALLY caused by the excessive brightness reflecting off your lovely golden tresses; the ice caps will continue to melt unless you put a hat on.


Pic attributed to Patapat - Link